This past week, I was in North Carolina attending a type of class known as a ‘boot camp’, though its resemblance to the real thing is marginal at best. What it means is that you go through a truly insane amount of material during 12 hour days, hoping to retain at least a small part of it. My company is big on certifications, so we’re all being forced through, even though the content is stuff I stopped doing almost ten years ago. So basically I’m trying to revive long-dead memories just long enough to pass an exam, after which I will hopefully drink them back into the dark unused corners of my mind once again.

The guy teaching the class happened to be ex-military, and while he was a nice guy, he had this tendency to yell to keep people attentive. It doesn’t really work, and pisses off the students. I kept thinking of Gunnery Sgt. Hartman from Full Metal Jacket, though unfortunately this guy wasn’t nearly as entertaining. That film has some of the best quotes ever. I kept thinking that I had better unfuck myself before he unscrewed my head and shit down my neck.

Anyways, while trying to stay awake in class, I was thinking of what it would be like to be trapped in the conference room dealing with this crap. So, I started to write…

[Found written in blood on a fragment of paper with 'Technical Boot Camp' on one side]

Day 4(?), unknown time

We’re trapped in a windowless room…hard to tell what time or day it is. Water is running low, food is scarce, the smell is [ILLEGIBLE].

They lured us in under the false pretense that there were doughnuts. Liars. There are seven of us remaining (including the self-proclaimed leader), but it looks like the fat guy is starting to falter. This is good - he should feed us for a week or so.

The leader is performing some sort of psychological torture on us where he talks in monotone for extended periods about incredibly boring things while flashing indecipherable pictures and words on a screen. At random, just as we’re about to sleep, he will yell out an
acronym to startle us awake. We hate him…we believe he knows how to escape, but is secretly working for our captors.

I hope this message finds it way out so that someone will help us.

It may be too late.

Oh no, he’s seen[MESSAGE ENDS]