Hostile Traveler

This past week, I was in North Carolina attending a type of class known as a ‘boot camp’, though its resemblance to the real thing is marginal at best. What it means is that you go through a truly insane amount of material during 12 hour days, hoping to retain at least a small part of it. My company is big on certifications, so we’re all being forced through, even though the content is stuff I stopped doing almost ten years ago. So basically I’m trying to revive long-dead memories just long enough to pass an exam, after which I will hopefully drink them back into the dark unused corners of my mind once again.

The guy teaching the class happened to be ex-military, and while he was a nice guy, he had this tendency to yell to keep people attentive. It doesn’t really work, and pisses off the students. I kept thinking of Gunnery Sgt. Hartman from Full Metal Jacket, though unfortunately this guy wasn’t nearly as entertaining. That film has some of the best quotes ever. I kept thinking that I had better unfuck myself before he unscrewed my head and shit down my neck.

Anyways, while trying to stay awake in class, I was thinking of what it would be like to be trapped in the conference room dealing with this crap. So, I started to write…

[Found written in blood on a fragment of paper with 'Technical Boot Camp' on one side]

Day 4(?), unknown time

We’re trapped in a windowless room…hard to tell what time or day it is. Water is running low, food is scarce, the smell is [ILLEGIBLE].

They lured us in under the false pretense that there were doughnuts. Liars. There are seven of us remaining (including the self-proclaimed leader), but it looks like the fat guy is starting to falter. This is good - he should feed us for a week or so.

The leader is performing some sort of psychological torture on us where he talks in monotone for extended periods about incredibly boring things while flashing indecipherable pictures and words on a screen. At random, just as we’re about to sleep, he will yell out an
acronym to startle us awake. We hate him…we believe he knows how to escape, but is secretly working for our captors.

I hope this message finds it way out so that someone will help us.

It may be too late.

Oh no, he’s seen[MESSAGE ENDS]

Continuing on with the Las Vegas posting…

I’ll spare the details of all the meetings and such - just imagine roving packs of sales guys and you’re on the right track. Still, there were a couple events of note:

During one of the larger sessions, they brought in a guest speaker, Chris Gardner, the guy who wrote ‘The Pursuit of Happyness’. For those not in the know, that book became a movie starring Will Smith where he goes from being homeless with a small child to being a stock broker. Anyways, Chris Gardner now does motivational speaking engagements, and I have to say, he’s amazing. It’s not your typical motivational speaker - it seems to come much more from the heart rather than the wallet.

Now, as I mentioned, working for a big company again has been kind of strange to adapt to, but occasionally I have to be impressed with the sheer resources that a company of this size has. For example, the evening entertainment was provided by Aerosmith - not too shabby. I was a little concerned that they would just kinda go through the motions, considering they were doing a corporate gig, but they really seemed to rock out. I can only hope that by the time I’m that age I still have that kind of stamina, but I kinda doubt it.

The last night, I was able to get front-row tickets to Cirque du Soleil’s Ka at the MGM Grand. I’m a huge Cirque fan, and have been to nearly all of their shows, so I was looking forward to seeing one of the few I hadn’t yet.  It was visually spectacular, but less acrobatic than some of their other shows.  The stage setup was pretty amazing…it’s hard to describe, but it was able to move on almost every axis, and served as a platform, backdrop, and more.  Highly recommended.

So that’s pretty much it, barring the hideously boring bits.  I need to go back to Vegas on my own time at some point - it’s such a cool place to be…even if you don’t really gamble much.

I realize I haven’t updated in quite awhile, but my life has been pretty hectic, both from a personal and from a work perspective. The new(ish) job, for example, has been very good so far, but I’ve been traveling a lot to try to get up to speed quickly. Since the last post, I’ve been to Chicago, Seattle, and I’m currently sitting in Las Vegas. There have been some interesting bits of the trips that I’ll try getting to as I catch up, but here’s a preview:

• Getting an amazing hotel room in Chicago only to realize it was set up for handicapped access. While the bars all around the bathroom are kind of useful after nights of drinking, the shower head at dick level…well, not so much.
• Hanging out at a hotel bar with three “Little People” that were in a rock band.
• Determining which is louder: a jet engine or an infant on a plane with an ear infection. Hint: it’s not the plane.
• Memories from a prior trip from Chicago where I was ill in truly spectacular fashion. many have requested I write this out, and I’m working on it. Worst. Flight. Ever.
• Vegas, and just how surreal a place can be before madness sets in.

But, you’ll have to wait [some indeterminate amount of time]. I’ll get to it. Really. For now, I’m going to continue to abuse my liver and wallet here in Las Vegas. Wish me luck.

A couple of friends of mine pointed me to a site called PersonalDNA, which is an online test to determine your personality type/characteristics. It’s actually pretty well done, and it generates this little capsule map to give a summary of who you are. The thing is, I think it tends to accentuate the positive rather than the negative, so instead of my personality type coming up as ‘Utter Bastard’, it came up as ‘Advocating Leader’. Go figure. Anyways, without further commentary, here’s what the results look like:

You are a Leader

• Your solid grounding in the practicalities of life, along with your self-assuredness and your willingness to appreciate new things make you a LEADER.
• You’re in touch with what is going on around you and adept at remaining down-to-earth and logical.
• Although you’re detail-oriented, this doesn’t mean that you lose the big picture.
• You tend to find beauty in form and efficiency, as opposed to finding it in broad-based, abstract concepts.
• Never one to pass on an adventure, you’re consistently seeking and finding new things, even in your immediate surroundings.
• Because of this eagerness to pursue new experiences, you’ve learned a lot; your attention to detail means that you gain a great deal from your adventures.
• The intellectual curiosity that drives you leads you to seek out causes of and reasons behind things.
• Your confidence gives you the potential to take your general awareness and channel it into leadership.
• You’re not set on one way of doing things, and you often have the skills and persistence to find innovative ways of facing challenges.
• You are well-attuned to your talents, and can deal with most problems that you face.
• Your independent streak allows you to make decisions efficiently and to trust your instincts
• Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

If you want to be different:

• There’s more to life than the practical - take some time to daydream and explore the aesthetic sides of things.

You are Advocating

• Being social, empathic, and understanding makes you ADVOCATING.
• Some people find being around others exhausting—but not you! You are energized by spending time with friends, and you are good at meeting new people.
• One of the reasons you enjoy conversation as much as you do is that you often learn about yourself while talking things out with a friend; you realize things about your own beliefs while discussing them with others.
• You have insight into what others are thinking and feeling. This ability allows you to be happy for others, and to commiserate when something has gone wrong for them.
• You are highly compassionate, and being conscious of how things affect those close to you leaves you cautious about trusting others too hastily.
• Despite these reservations, you are open-minded when it comes to your worldview; you don’t look to impose your ways on others.
• Your sensitivity towards others’ plights contributes to an understanding—both intellectual and emotional—of many different perspectives.
• As someone who understands the complexities of the world around you, you are reluctant to pass judgments.

If you want to be different:

• While it’s important to think about others, don’t forget to take some time for yourself, and occassionally to put yourself first.
• Take some time to spend with a few close friends; although it’s difficult to find people to trust, it’s worth the effort.
• When you have great ideas, it can be hard to relinquish control, but it can also feel good to take the pressure off and enjoy someone else leading the way.

As I mentioned in my last post, I’m in Bloomington, Minnesota for work, and I had intended on doing a post with a bunch of pictures spliced in to kind of liven things up. But, I’m in a hotel with the worst ‘high-speed internet’ I’ve ever seen, so I can’t even get a single photo to upload without it timing out. You would think that for $14.95 a day, you could get something faster than a retarded chimpanzee banging on a 19th century telegraph, but you’d be wrong. The saddest part is that this never happens to me when I travel abroad - it’s only when I’m in the states. Hilton can eat my ass - he and his fucked up daughter both.

Speaking of which - does anyone really give a shit about Paris Hilton? And, if so, how sad is your life that you care about some vacant socialite heiress that has done nothing whatsoever to contribute to society?  Every time I flip on the news, there’s some report about her getting out of jail, how much psychological stress she’s under, how she found God. Give me a fucking break. Report on things that actually matter instead of this crap. And yes, I realize I’m only adding to the situation by even bringing it up, but people really need to put some thought into what really matters in life. Oh, and please join me in prayer as we hope that she never decides to breed.

When I finally get a real connection, I’ll have a report on Minneapolis. Exciting, I know…